My Christmas ...

I'm not sure if I will post this or delete it ... I just know I need to get it out. So if you manage to read the whole thing, thank you. I'm trying not to sound like poor pitiful me ... but maybe I'm allowed... for at least a few more days.

I spent this holiday in a fog for the most part ... I struggled to keep track of what day it was ... on a regular basis. On the 13th my husband and mom came down with a cold. Hubby is still coughing, but finally starting to get better.

My mom, however, we had to take to the ER on Friday night the 15th. They admitted her and over the weekend they threw massive amounts of antibiotics at her and by Sunday we thought she was turning the corner. Monday her doctor called me to say things were about the same ... mom hadn't lost any ground but she wasn't responding as quickly as the dr had hoped. Less than 5 minutes later the dr called me back to tell me that mom was unresponsive. I said, "Unresponsive to the drugs?" The dr said, no ... we cannot wake her up.

I raced back to the hospital and a nurse met me and told me to relax ... mom was okay and breathing again. So I stayed with her and that night my 3 kids, oldest grand daughter, brother and his wife and my husband all got to see her. She was responsive and knew all of us ... alert and smiling even. I decided to spend the night and at about 3:30 she became very restless, so they increased her morphine and gave her something to relax her muscles. From that point on she never really woke up again. She would respond to my voice and my touch ... but that was all.

Thursday while my brother was there she had a 'nightmare/terror' episode. She came awake and was yelling and her eyes were darting around the room like she was terrified of something. They increased her morphine again and she settled. I stayed that night and at midnight she had another episode only this one lasted almost 3 hours. They maxed out the amount of morphine they could give her with hourly bumps/pushes the rest of the night. When her dr came in Friday morning we decided to change mom from morphine to dilaudid ... and from that point on she was totally unresponsive. I took her dog to see her Friday afternoon thinking that she would at least have some muscle movement in response to Lucy being there ... but nothing.

Early Sunday morning, she finally slipped away. I thought I would feel relief that she's pain free ... happiness that she's finally reunited with my dad ... but I just feel empty and numb. I've taken care of her for the last two years and now I don't know what to do with the free time ... but sit here and cry. It comes in waves ... it rolls over me and then moves on ... seems like the time between these things is getting longer, but I still feel exhausted and drained.

I have made the decision to keep my most recently finished baby for myself. My mom loved her serious face so I am naming her Joy (which was mom's middle name).

Sharon, I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband lost his dad on the 21st. So he hasn’t been home for almost 2weeks now and it’s still going to be another week before he is home. My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs and love and prayers to you my friend.

Tiffeny

Oh Sharon, so sorry for your loss - the words are not enough, I know, but no one can say anything to help, only prayer, and time will
lessen the sorrow that you feel. Its helpful to your mind and body to write down your feelings and let it out. In time, you will just remember
the good times, things that made you all smile and laugh. At least that is what happened to me after I lost my Mom.  

(((Huggggggggggggggggggggs)))





ps  - Joy is beautiful and a wonderful tribute baby for your Mom  x0x0x0

I am so sorry!! How terrible for you especially as it was so unexpected. I am glad you are keeping the baby that your mom loved.

So sorry to hear about your loss. You have every right to feel a little lost right now. We all need our moms, no matter the age. I love that your keeping your doll and I love the name. May the new year bring you peace and comfort.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. That is such a devastating thing to go through:(

Oh Sharon, I am so sorry for your loss! What a terrible thing to go through...such an emotional rollercoaster!

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family as you heal.

Thank you ladies. As usual there is so much comfort and peace you all can bring to any of us who needs it. I've been posting on FB just the updates and general info ... but I've never felt it is truly the right place to unburden myself. But sometimes you just need to get it out in parts or even just let it all out in a rush.

I have the most amazingly wonderful husband who has been my rock through all of this. It's sad that his ability to take care of things for me is based on him taking care of it for his mom in March ... but it was a blessing none the less.

I'm now working on finding the spark again to start creating because I know for sure it's what my mom would want and expect of me. So all I have to do is pick from the stash and get ready for the birthing process.

I love you all and thank you again for the support, it means the world to me.

Sorry to be so late to post, but wanted to comment on Sharon's post. I am so sorry for what you have recently gone through with the loss of your precious mother. I can relate. My mom will be 98 in February and I am not certain how much longer I will have with her. I pray that I will have peace with her passing and that you will have peace with the loss of your mother.

Thank you Pia. I don't think there's ever a way to be prepared for this. Even though I know (in my intellectual mind) that she is where she is supposed to be now ... pain free and with my father ... that darned old emotional heart just keeps aching and making the tears come.

The one thing I wish ... is that I'd spent more time asking her about her life when she was younger. I have snippets and short blurps of information but I know there was so much more to learn.

Sharon, I'm so sorry for your loss. No one can ever be prepared for the loss of parents or children.
I pray you find some much needed happiness in the New Year.

Sharon, I worked as a hospice nurse for a bit, and all that you are feeling is completely normal. Give yourself time to grieve. There is no set limit, and it is different for everyone. I'm sorry to read that you lost your mom around this time of year. It's never easy to say goodbye to our parents. I hope you are healing, but take your time.